When choosing the perfect getaway there are a few things to take into consideration. Does this country have strippers, are the beaches whiter than my mama, and will I come back alive from my little retreat with both kidneys intact...This year drrrrrrrrumroll I chose Bali, not because it matched any of the above criteria, but simply because return flights with Air Asia were around 280 dollars.
Arriving in Bali pretty late thinking that all of the hotspots would be far from the airport, I booked in at The Radiant hotel 400m from the airport. It was 340 000 rupees per night and pretty sweet. It included breakfast, air con and two big ass swimming pools.
Now being so fucking excited about being in Bali we decided to find a place to water our holes, and paid a taxi 100 000 Rp ( Should've been 50 000 Rp) to takes as to hell, also known as the bar street in Kuta.
As soon as we got out of the taxi satan welcomed us with open arms offering everything from Viagra, shrooms, coke, ephidrines to bat heads, their wives and freehand tattoos. I declined politely with a "No thank you girlfriend, I don't want to be executed by no firing squad!".
So we went to Sky Garden the biggest club in town with the biggest most badass gangster bouncers south of the equator. No for real real, the security of all the bars and clubs are run by the Bali gangs. Tip of the day: Be polite to them big boys. Great music, desperate girls, Russians punching their girlfriends....what more do you want?
Wanting something less trippy we went to a place called Machine "something". They lure you in with discount coupons. Before you know what's happening, you are on a dance floor with a 19 something Australian licking your forehead screaming she loves being in Egypt while proceeding to dance with her skirt over her head. Ok sweetheart...
Day 2
Waking up with a hangover cooked up in satan's finest kitchen we took a taxi to Padang Padang. It cost 350 000 Rp and we were probably ripped off, but at this point had no idea.
On route to surfers paradise our taxi driver told us about "Cat-poo-chino" and how this coffee changed his relationship with his wife forever. And I was like give me some of that shit! After two cups he took us to a cage where they kept these little creeps...
They spend the whole night eating coffee beans, shitting, fucking around and when day comes the Balinese wash their feces, pick out the beans and roast it to perfection.Mmmm great something they could've mentioned beforehand. 50 000 Rp for a cup of shitty coffee.
Feeling really refreshed and ready to put my driver's theory to the test we arrived at Blue Sea Point. Paradise for surfers and perverts, as the behinds on these beaches can make even the straightest of straight question their orientation.
We stayed at Putu Homestay, which was 400 000 Rp for a standard room with air con and no breakfast. Located right at the end with everything within walking distance. The beach here is small and mostly for surfing.
Renting scooters for 75 000 Rp and exploring is the best way to go in this area. Two hours before sunset we scooted to Uluwathu temple. Entrance is 20 000 Rp and you have to pay 2000 Rp to get into the area.
Be warned the monkeys here are kleptomaniacs. They are in the business of stealing hats, glasses, handbags and pretty much anything they can get their dirty little hands on.
After walking to the edge of the temple make your way to the edge for the fire show and a beautiful sunset.
Entrance to the show is 100 000 Rp and it last an hour. It was worth every cent as I've never seen anything as fucktup and beautiful at the same time.
At this point things started getting a little weird as the men started chanting like possessed cavemen.
At night time Mamo is a good place to relax and soak up some rasta tunes that could've been sung by the great Marley himself. Cocktails get a little pricy so stick to the local beer or trusted Smirnoff Cola.
Day 3
With Blue Sea point being a little expensive we moved to Padang Padang beach. We stayed at Mandala Homestay right next to the beach for 250 000 Rp. It included air con and breakfast
if you're looking for a white beach with beautiful bodies cruising around this is the place to be. Great for paddle boarding and swimming...not so much for surfing. Paddle boarding is 100 000 Rp per hour. Monkeys run around stealing the Hindu offerings, and you can enjoy the circus with a few Bintangs and a big ass bottle of sunscreen.
At this stage I haven't posted any pictures of food...that because nothing we ate was worth taking a picture of. Bali belly is real man.
Day 4
Paid a local "mushroom farmer" 200 000 Rp to take us to Nusa Dua. Looking back it wouldn't have hurt to cut ND out of the program totally. Not much to do there apart from water sports and Turtle island.
We stayed at Puri Clinton homestay. It was 350 000 Rp with air con, breakfast and a great pool. It was located within walking distance from the beach. Don't go to Nusa Dua if you want a white beach and clear water.
We headed to turtle island in a glass bottom boat for 300 000 Rp. Arriving at the island we were charged another 20 000 Rp entrance.
I was told by the guide that they caught the turtles in the deep ocean. Apparently they free them every 6 weeks and bring new turtles to the island. But the look in that turtle's eye said bitch I've seen stuff...
You have an hour on the island while you have this tour guide blowing hot air in your neck while you're here trying to take the perfect selfie with a turtle that hates it's life.
They also have other animals on the island...but they hate their lives equally. A toucan tried to peck out my eye and the giant iguana was trying to drown itself.
Day 5
We decided to go fly boarding and payed 800 000 Rp for an hour. It was a little expensive, but definitely worth the money!
Arriving in Bali pretty late thinking that all of the hotspots would be far from the airport, I booked in at The Radiant hotel 400m from the airport. It was 340 000 rupees per night and pretty sweet. It included breakfast, air con and two big ass swimming pools.
Now being so fucking excited about being in Bali we decided to find a place to water our holes, and paid a taxi 100 000 Rp ( Should've been 50 000 Rp) to takes as to hell, also known as the bar street in Kuta.
As soon as we got out of the taxi satan welcomed us with open arms offering everything from Viagra, shrooms, coke, ephidrines to bat heads, their wives and freehand tattoos. I declined politely with a "No thank you girlfriend, I don't want to be executed by no firing squad!".
So we went to Sky Garden the biggest club in town with the biggest most badass gangster bouncers south of the equator. No for real real, the security of all the bars and clubs are run by the Bali gangs. Tip of the day: Be polite to them big boys. Great music, desperate girls, Russians punching their girlfriends....what more do you want?
Wanting something less trippy we went to a place called Machine "something". They lure you in with discount coupons. Before you know what's happening, you are on a dance floor with a 19 something Australian licking your forehead screaming she loves being in Egypt while proceeding to dance with her skirt over her head. Ok sweetheart...
Day 2
Waking up with a hangover cooked up in satan's finest kitchen we took a taxi to Padang Padang. It cost 350 000 Rp and we were probably ripped off, but at this point had no idea.
On route to surfers paradise our taxi driver told us about "Cat-poo-chino" and how this coffee changed his relationship with his wife forever. And I was like give me some of that shit! After two cups he took us to a cage where they kept these little creeps...
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| Luwak |
They spend the whole night eating coffee beans, shitting, fucking around and when day comes the Balinese wash their feces, pick out the beans and roast it to perfection.Mmmm great something they could've mentioned beforehand. 50 000 Rp for a cup of shitty coffee.
 |
| Coffee and Tea samples |
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| Luwak Coffee |
Feeling really refreshed and ready to put my driver's theory to the test we arrived at Blue Sea Point. Paradise for surfers and perverts, as the behinds on these beaches can make even the straightest of straight question their orientation.
We stayed at Putu Homestay, which was 400 000 Rp for a standard room with air con and no breakfast. Located right at the end with everything within walking distance. The beach here is small and mostly for surfing.
Renting scooters for 75 000 Rp and exploring is the best way to go in this area. Two hours before sunset we scooted to Uluwathu temple. Entrance is 20 000 Rp and you have to pay 2000 Rp to get into the area.
Be warned the monkeys here are kleptomaniacs. They are in the business of stealing hats, glasses, handbags and pretty much anything they can get their dirty little hands on.
 |
| Thugs chilling out |
After walking to the edge of the temple make your way to the edge for the fire show and a beautiful sunset.
Entrance to the show is 100 000 Rp and it last an hour. It was worth every cent as I've never seen anything as fucktup and beautiful at the same time.
At night time Mamo is a good place to relax and soak up some rasta tunes that could've been sung by the great Marley himself. Cocktails get a little pricy so stick to the local beer or trusted Smirnoff Cola.
 |
| Bintang Bru |
With Blue Sea point being a little expensive we moved to Padang Padang beach. We stayed at Mandala Homestay right next to the beach for 250 000 Rp. It included air con and breakfast
if you're looking for a white beach with beautiful bodies cruising around this is the place to be. Great for paddle boarding and swimming...not so much for surfing. Paddle boarding is 100 000 Rp per hour. Monkeys run around stealing the Hindu offerings, and you can enjoy the circus with a few Bintangs and a big ass bottle of sunscreen.
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| Artwork next to the beach |
Better be nice to these ladies, they might be small but they can stab a heffer.
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| Scarfs for 40 000 Rp |
At this stage I haven't posted any pictures of food...that because nothing we ate was worth taking a picture of. Bali belly is real man.
Paid a local "mushroom farmer" 200 000 Rp to take us to Nusa Dua. Looking back it wouldn't have hurt to cut ND out of the program totally. Not much to do there apart from water sports and Turtle island.
We stayed at Puri Clinton homestay. It was 350 000 Rp with air con, breakfast and a great pool. It was located within walking distance from the beach. Don't go to Nusa Dua if you want a white beach and clear water.
We headed to turtle island in a glass bottom boat for 300 000 Rp. Arriving at the island we were charged another 20 000 Rp entrance.
I was told by the guide that they caught the turtles in the deep ocean. Apparently they free them every 6 weeks and bring new turtles to the island. But the look in that turtle's eye said bitch I've seen stuff...
You have an hour on the island while you have this tour guide blowing hot air in your neck while you're here trying to take the perfect selfie with a turtle that hates it's life.
They also have other animals on the island...but they hate their lives equally. A toucan tried to peck out my eye and the giant iguana was trying to drown itself.
Day 5
We decided to go fly boarding and payed 800 000 Rp for an hour. It was a little expensive, but definitely worth the money!
